Dad and Mom

August 2020 | Realistic Fiction | 3875 words

JJ is little, still a baby boy, only one and a half months old. The guys make fun of me for knowing just how old he is, but I’m always saying back to them, “you’d remember your own kid’s birthday.” Of all the things they make fun of me for, that one’s outta line. They’re bold, making fun of me at all. I’m letting them get away with so much when it comes to my son.

They’re putting 5 whole hot dogs—which they bought from the guy who sells them a block away from school—right in my little baby’s car seat. They’re trying to smuggle them into the movie because even though that dude’s hot dogs are expensive, they still beat the prices at the theater.

“Don’t get ketchup on my baby, dawg,” I say to them. I’m fighting Brody off, trying to pick JJ out from the back of my sedan. Jake is hogging the space as he always does, trying to cram the footlong foil-wrapped dogs behind JJ’s hat—his “bonnet,” the guys say, finding new ways to make being a father seem as emasculating as possible. Saying it’s cold outside won’t change their minds about how funny it is to them that JJ’s wearing a “bonnet.”

More than anyone, I’m trying to keep JJ away from Nick. I can already tell he’s getting pissed that Jake is taking his time playing up the gag. I’ve seen the way Nick wrenches a ball out of a dude’s palms when he’s pissed about losing a game, and I don’t want him doing the same kind of move on Jake now that he’s so close to JJ. I trust Nick, he’s cool, but with JJ here my heart keeps racing and racing. I don’t know what’ll happen. Probably nothing. But who knows. I’m counting on Dev to step in if something starts.

I’m pissed that I had to bring JJ here at all. I blame my mom and I blame the fact that I worked a full shift at the zoo today. I came home to mom in a fit, busy with her magazines spread out in front of her, holding her scissors, while JJ babbled in his crib for some attention. I said, “What does JJ want?” and mom barked at me, “That ain’t no son of mine, go find out for yourself!” We fought a bit and I had to take JJ to a different room. I made sure to stomp on the magazine she was in the middle of snipping. As I left, she yelled at me, “God help me if you don’t find that boy a mama of his own!”

Every time I ask mom for help she turns it into a lecture and tries to tell me how I screwed it all up with Dani. I wanna say, it’s not my fault my girl left me. But that sounds too emotional. I’m just looking for a little help taking care of my baby, mom. I’m at work providing for him all day. I should be finishing high school, mom. Gimme a break.

But I know I need to find myself a new girl. A new mom for JJ. I know, I know, I know.

I don’t just need it for JJ’s sake. If I’m real, having a girlfriend is something I didn’t think I’d ever need so badly. Dani was a steady lay, and for a while I thought that’s all I needed out of a girl, but now I know I was just fooling myself. I’ve always liked that feeling of being in bed with someone. Not even in a dirty way, just to have another body there. There’s a dope kind of connection that I built with Dani that can’t compare with any friendship I have with the guys. I miss waking up at night and listening to her breathe right next to me, feeling like I could really relax for the first time. There’s that I like. But I wouldn’t mind getting laid, too.

After a month, I’d forgotten what it was like being around the guys. We’ve only just really started to go out together again, and I’m still getting the hang of having both JJ and them around. I just feel so uptight with the baby. Especially with Dev here. I never realized how loose he and I could be, how much we would goof off, and how much of that I can’t do now that I have JJ. I know it’s something psychological, some sort of wire in my brain telling me I can’t have fun, I’ve gotta take care of the baby. But I can’t overcome it like Dev has. His son is two now, but even when Shawn first popped out, Dev acted like his same old self. It kinda made me think everything would be the same when Dani and I had JJ. Not even close.

Dev’s laughing along as Jake stuffs the dogs in behind JJ’s head and pulls down the hood of the car seat. Here’s what I mean by me being uptight: I’m worried while I watch them do this. This little thing. JJ isn’t in any harm, but it’s like my whole attitude has changed. And that makes me nervous—I don’t need to become the odd one out with the guys. Brody has always been the last in the pecking order, and I want to keep it that way. I just try not to let it show that I care so much about my son. I try to turn all this sourness into a joke. So it’s not “be careful, man.” Instead, it’s “Don’t get ketchup on my baby, dawg.” At least you can laugh along to that kind of high-strung-ness.

When Jake is finally out of the way, I pull the hood of the car seat down and lift it out of the car. After all the ways I’ve stopped being one of the guys, I’m glad I still have the chance to flex the muscles in my arm when I carry JJ with me. I still feel like a man.

Nick drums scrawny Brody’s back beside me as we walk to the building. Dev and Jake lead the pack and whisper-cackle about something. It must be about me. I snort to pretend I heard whatever it is they said, to be part of it. Dev turns around. He walks as he looks back at me and shoots his pointer finger at my cargo. “If he starts crying, you’re taking him out.”

“I’ve got this,” I say, momentarily mistaking his bull-headed words of warning for kind-hearted words of advice. Dev’s been in the parental position for long enough that I feel like he’s always judging my ability to take care of him. “Does Riley let you smuggle food into movies like this?”

Dev smirks. “We get a babysitter, dawg.” He and Jake glance in each other’s direction for a millisecond, then look back at me. “Besides, Shawn walks. He doesn’t need a carrier.”

Jake says to me, “Do you need the aisle? Let me have the aisle.”

Nick says to him, “You’ll take whatever seat’s leftover after I pick.”

Brody doesn’t say anything, but he’s looking at the car seat like he’s waiting for something to pop out of it.

Once inside the building, Dev spanks the counter with his wallet and stares open-mouthed at the board. I’m looking at the prices and my breath gets caught up in my throat. Lately, it’s been doing that a lot. I’ve started comparing the price of everything to the price of a 24-pack of the off-brand diapers, the cheapest you can find. A ticket to Fall of Man tonight is $14, which is like two and a half packages of diapers. That’s also two hours at the zoo, after taxes.

It’s like Nick senses my hesitation. He comes forward, breath rancid from just two feet away. He smirks. He doesn’t ask me what’s up. He just breathes through his mouth and swings his restless arms over and under the dividing ribbons. Brody’s right next to him, pulling out his money. His wallet’s the one in our group that you can count on being stuffed with cash. Nick gets less than a foot away from his neck, looking down at the wads. “You paying for me?” 

Brody shoves him away and stops in his tracks as a chick with a great ass walks by. He calls out to her. All of us, surprised, look and listen as he does what none of us would expect him to do. “Hey, you coming to see Fall of Man? Let me pay your ticket.”

He flashes the money. She turns and smiles with an apologetic flutter of her eyelashes. “My boyfriend’s got my money. Thanks though.”

All four of us watching Brody exhale as she walks away. “I thought you had that, dawg!” I say, and I clasp his shoulder. Dev turns away, back to the teller. Nick laughs. Jake gawks at her walking away and ducks under the dividing ribbon. “Be right back, guys,” he says.

“She already rejected us,” I say.

He snorts. “She rejected him,” he says, and follows her to the concessions.

“I’m not paying for you!” shouts Dev.

It’s the perfect time for me to ask: “You’ll pay for mine though, right?”

He looks at me like I’m a fly. “I already got you a hot dog.”

“Come on, man.”

“I’m your cousin, quit acting like you’re a pet.”

I lean in to the clerk. “Babies get in for free right?”

The clerk’s eyes pop. “You can’t bring anyone under 16 into this movie, I’m afraid.”

“No, he’s fine,” I say, flat and intense. “He won’t cry or nothing.” I just know the guys are listening and rolling their eyes behind my back.

“Actually, I need to see all your IDs,” says the clerk. His eyes have narrowed. I’ve seen that look before. I know there’s almost no getting around it. I know we’ve gotta finesse it. Me and the guys exchange eyes. Dev takes out his driver’s license and pushes it toward the man with the cold stare.

“I’m their legal guardian,” says Dev, pulling a classic lie out of his back pocket.

The clerk scans all of us skeptically. I’m glad we all look pretty much the same, and I’m glad Dev is four years older than the oldest of us. He’s the only one sporting a disgusting bit of facial hair, a goatee. He looks the part of a dad.

Jake comes back with a girl by his side. He holds the ribbon above her head. It’s not the same girl as before, but she is fine as hell.

“Struck out?” Nick asks.

Jake swats him and says, “Jessie is gonna join us.”

“Hey,” she says, and when she smiles, there’s no apology in it. Damn, that smile. I fall in love right away, for real. But I don’t know what to do when her eyes fall on me. I swallow suddenly with trouble and nod. So stupid. Like I’m nodding to a dude I pass on the street.

Jake grabs the ribbon post right behind her with his trademark machismo. It looks like he has his arm on her back. “Don’t worry about the ticket. I’ve got you.”

“Naww dawg,” I say, and I put JJ on the soda-stained carpet so I can take my wallet out of my pocket. “I’ve got it.”

Dev, always my right hand man, takes my card out of my hand and passes it to the clerk before Jake can act. He gives Jake a look. Whoops.

It’s what gives me the push to say something. “I’m Patrick by the way.” I give her a flirty smile. I introduce the rest of the guys, their names flipping out of my mouth like sticky notes, and I can see in her face it’s like she crumples each name up and tosses them as soon as she hears them. I know she’s only paying attention to me. Then she sees JJ. That reminds me.

“So babies,” I say to the clerk, rapping the counter. “They get in for free, right?”

I’m not loaded like Brody, and my job doesn’t pay as much as Dev’s, but I’d buy all these guys tickets for the chance to sit next to Jessie in the theatre. It’s been so long since I’ve kissed anyone. I almost lose control and lean in for one when I pass her the stub.

As soon as she leaves with us, I can tell she gets a little nervous. We’re a bunch of raw, hard-going boys. Basically, she’s a little puppy that the wolf pack adopted. I think she’s just realized what she’s gotten herself into.

“Which school do you go to?” I ask her.

“Oh, I thought you’d know?” she asks. “Hankison. I’ve seen you before.”

Around Jessie and I, the guys are just owning the whole space, puffing their chests and making the people in the hallway part to the sides. It’s like they’re making way for Jessie and I. But I don’t feel powerful when she says that she’s seen me. She’s brand new to me. Why don’t I remember her? Suddenly I wonder why I’m latching onto this girl so soon even though I don’t know anything about her, and then I think, I’ve got to know her. I’ve got to have seen her before. This isn’t brand new. Of course I’m latching on.

Jake glances back at me. He’s still got death in his eyes. I know he’s got it out for me. “Come on, man. You’ve got to know her face. I know I remember it really well.” He gives her a devilish smile, something he always tries on girls. It usually works, but not this time, to my huge relief. She groans and looks over at me. Yikes, the look says. I look back. I’m on her side.

I know the guys can be aggressive, especially when it comes to hitting on chicks. If I’m real, I’m torn between wanting to be more like them and wanting to be less douchey. Since I dropped out, it’s been easier for me to avoid being like them and just be my own self. At Hankison, it’s weird, it’s like there’s some force making all the guys be like that, super aggressive. I wanted to be like that before I left, but now that I’m out I wonder why I thought it was so important to fit in. The standards for a dude in Hankison are so high. It’s like if you’re not always proving your dominance, you’re worth nothing. But I can see things from a girl’s perspective now. Anybody might say that makes me less manly, but I think being less of a pig-head is exactly what girls look for. I bet they want a man to take the lead, but that’s different from what the guys at Hankison are like. One look at Jessie’s glance tells me she knows what I mean.

Nick’s probably the most bull-headed dude I know, and he doesn’t have nearly as much luck as Jake. As much of a chick magnet as Jake is, I’ve seen him get knocked on his ass enough times that I can guess where his faults lie. So I ask myself, is it better to be a Hankison man, or my own self?

The commercials are already playing when we get to the Fall of Man auditorium. I take the aisle seat before Jake or Nick can say anything about it and I set JJ in the aisle. Jessie takes the spot next to me, and Brody the spot next to her. Thankfully, none of the guys try to hog her, especially not Brody. He keeps his business to himself. I’m feeling really great about this date—which is what it is, isn’t it? It’s what it has become. I don’t know when it became that, but it did, and I’m gassed about it.

I lean over to my baby and pull out the guys’ hot dogs. As they unwrap the foil, Jessie looks over my lap and gasps.

“So cute!” She says. “Whose is she?”

Half of a word is caught in my throat. “He,” I say. Do I tell her he’s mine? When she asks that question, she’s not expecting him to be any of ours. I look over at Dev, at the other end of our row, but he doesn’t save me. Maybe I can answer her without answering her. “I couldn’t just leave him at home,” I start.

“He’s obsessed with his baby,” Nick butts in.

My ears fill with cotton and I watch Jessie’s eyes grow wide. She laughs. She realizes she laughed too loud and covers her mouth with her hand. The tips of her orange nails scrape the foundation on her cheeks. “Sorry,” she says. “It’s just so easy to believe he’s your baby . . . he looks like you.”

I almost commit to a laugh to brush it off. We don’t have to go into this. But I stop halfway through, get serious, and say, “No . . . he’s mine. For real.”

The smile gets wiped off her face. She doesn’t look mad or anything, just normal. No expression. She looks at the commercials on the screen without another word. I’m wracking my brain trying to find something else to say, but soon she talks over Brody’s head. “What was your name again?”

“Jake,” he says. There’s rotten honey all up in his voice.

All I can see is the back of her head as she talks to Jake, saying how she’s seen him around now that she thinks of it, saying it’s crazy that they’ve both seen each other but have never talked. She recognized me first and she honed in on me but now Jake gets the attention.

The first preview starts and JJ grunts. I tell him “shhh.” He squeals, he whines. Then he starts gurgling, and I know we’re only seconds away from crying.

I look away from Dev immediately because I know he’s already shooting me daggers. I don’t want anybody in the row seeing how frustrated I am. I pull JJ’s seat hood down and fly him out of the auditorium.

I’m almost running with JJ swinging by my side. I can’t look anyone in the eyes, I’m just trying to find a bathroom. I can already smell the problem, what’s making JJ scream.

For a second I’m afraid the men’s bathroom won’t have a changing table—that’s not something I ever had to pay attention to. Thank God, there is one. JJ stops crying, starts gurgling again, as I set him down and pull the changing table down. Somehow, I’m even more panicked now that he stopped crying, like without his crying, now I realize that it’s not the reason why I’m upset.

I bristle up when I hear a shoe scrape against the tile. I glance in the mirror and see that one of the stall doors is closed. Suddenly I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve only ever changed JJ’s diaper at home and this new environment is messing with my brain. If this dude comes out and sees me changing a diaper, what am I gonna say? There’s no way I can make that seem natural.

There’s nothing but paper towels for me to lay JJ on. It’s only just occurred to me that I need to bring a mat with me to change him on. I don’t have that, just wipes and these paper towels that I yank out and overlap on each other. I unbuckle his seat belt and see his wet, blotchy face threatening to cry. The smell when I lift him out makes me turtle up. No matter how many times I do this, I can’t get over how it makes me recoil. My nuts shrink up, unsettled by the whole thing, seeing my son’s privates, having to wipe the gross smear away.

I try to get it done as soon as possible, throw the diaper away and pull out a new one. “Why the . . .” I throw the package of wipes at the wall. It’s empty. JJ starts to cry. “No, no, no, shhh.” I take one of the paper towels on the table top and clean him. The paper is so rough. I don’t want to hurt him. He starts whining a little louder and I give up on the paper towel. I need him in a new diaper.

The toilet behind me flushes and I get closer to my son, cover him up until I can get a diaper back on him. As the man walks out I keep my eyes to myself and I almost don’t notice the look on this old fat guy’s face. So smug, the way he sees me taking care of my kid.

“On diaper duty, huh?” he asks.

I give a half-hearted laugh. “Guess so.”

He shakes his head. “Your mom should be giving that duty to the lady of the house. Don’t you got a sister?”

“No, I don’t,” I say. I realize my voice just got serious so I add a laugh and say, “It’s not too bad of a job anyway.”

The man sees the empty wipe container on the floor and puts it in the trash. Just before he leaves he says, “You should be hanging out with friends and enjoying your younger years. Go ahead and tell your mom I said that.”

To that, I don’t know how to respond. I think I might snap at him if I open my mouth. The door thuds softly shut. I wrap up JJ’s new diaper. He looks at me with his wide, wet eyes. He’s not quite smiling, but I know he’s feeling much better. I put him back in his car seat. I sigh and catch my breath, then buckle him up. Something seems like it’s missing. He keeps looking at me like he’s waiting for something. So I crouch down and give him a little kiss on the forehead.

I stand back up straight. That was kind of weird, wasn’t it? But why is it weird? I’m glad he’s okay. I want him to know somebody loves him, even if that somebody isn’t his mom. Why not give him a little kiss?

When I get back to the auditorium and get back in my seat, it takes me a few seconds before my eyes adjust to the dark and I see that the person sitting next to me is now Brody. He traded spots with Jessie while I went to take care of my son. I look over. She’s taking a bite out of Jake’s hot dog. She laughs at herself as relish squirts from the corner of her mouth and hits her shirt. Brody quickly offers up his napkin and Jake takes it from him. I watch him expertly rub the relish off her chest.

I force myself to look away. I open JJ’s car seat hood so he can see me in the dark. I take a bite of my own hotdog. I wipe relish off my own shirt.